Angsty in Palo Alto
January 14, 2003 by David BlackmanI'm naturally a neurotic person, I need the illusion of control in my life. So when I feel the events surrounding me spinning out of my control, I really start to freak out.
I've only been back from vacation for a week and already I feel like I need to hit the pause button, take a break, step out of the dorm for a week, get my head back together, and return with everything just as I left it. I know I cant really stop everything right now, and that just makes it worse.
My classes are already overwhelming, even though I've only been to most of them twice. I feel like I'm a week behind in my work and two behind in my understanding of the material. The teachers seem less forgiving in spite of the fact that I feel more like a freshman than I ever have lost, alone, adrift.
I tried to take this weekend off. I stayed home from my dorm ski trip so I could be alone slept late (and in my own bed) to finish recovering from the martian death flu (which turned out to be strep), licked my wounds from the past week, and listened to really loud music. Unfortunately none of that worked, because I felt all my work and all my problems and everything looming over me, so I just wanted to get it all done with so I could take a break, but I'm so downcast that the work just isn't getting done, and its just getting to be a more and more insurmountable obstacle, and if you havent figured out by the tension being built up by this run-on sentence, I cant decide if I want to scream or cry.
I wonder if this is the real me. Angsty. Depressed. Antisocial. Melodramatic and conscious of it. Thats the worst part. I watch myself being a jerk, and I do nothing about it because its easy. This all feels comfortable I've slipped into a pattern from high school, and even if its the wrong thing to be doing right now, I just dont have the physical and emotional strength to do anything else.
I dont like this person. But its been me for so long; do I really have the power to change it? I thought I did, but I'm not so confident anymore.
Its easy like this. I dont need to deal with the complexities of social interaction, and I dont need to filter myself. I get all the attention lavished on me because I'm sitting alone in the dark in my room listening to depressing music, and people are worried about me. Its nice to know. Its nice to feel. But I'm walking a dangerous line, because, if I'm not careful, I'll push all my friends away, and really convince them that I do want to sit alone and mope. And its not like I'm trying to feel better. You never want to feel better when youre depressed.
Why are we like this? Why do we like to feel like this?
I'm trying to channel it into anger instead, but angers bad too. It all comes from fear, fear of being alone it takes a special kind of person to worry about being alone at age 18.
As master Yoda says, Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. As a result of all this fear and anger and hate, I've realized a lifelong dream of mine a desire to hurt myself very very badly.
No, actually, the hurt is just the consequence; the desire is to be an extreme skater. Not necessarily a good one. I just want to be able to grind a rail here and there and jump a few steps. Its a wonderful channel for my aggression, jumping off curbs, taking my anger out on the asphalt as I land and feel my blades crunch beneath me. Not the healthiest thing in the world, I know, but fun.
I was so depressed this week that I needed to watch High Fidelity. No other movie convinces me that my neurotic tendencies are more forgivable and that neurotic geeks can get the girl in the end. The hero of the film, Rob Gordon, opens with the best quote ever regarding music:
What came first: the music or the misery? [. . .] Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
Thats the question I've been asking myself all week. The music never makes us feel better, so why listen to it?
At least the music lets us know that were not alone. Our problems arent unique; theyre collective. Were not the first to ever experience loss or longing or heartbreak, and, at the same time, someone else, someone famous and popular validates our pain. I had my suffering personally validated this week by Radiohead, raging and crying and losing myself in the music.
This isn't healthy. I should be listening to upbeat stuff. Not that I have any upbeat music. As Rob so astutely observed, pop music is never happy.
So much of my life is narrated by the music in my head, because we all want our lives to be more like a movie to have a plot, to make logical sense, to get to give the big romantic speech and win the girl and a step in the right direction is to give your life a soundtrack. But real life is unscripted, and it just doesnt work out like the movies.
I should be trying to get out of this funk so I dont put myself in danger of screwing up this quarter, but Id rather crawl under my covers and hope I dont follow in Robs footsteps, finding myself flunked out of school and working in a record shop in two months. Thanks for listening. I feel better now. I hope anyone whos having a crappy quarter feels better about it too.
David Blackman is a freshman who no longer believes in umbrellas or shoes. E-mail him at blackmad@stanford.edu to cheer him up.
David Blackman is a freshman who no longer believes in umbrellas or shoes. E-mail him at blackmad@stanford.edu to cheer him up.
