So, Staff.
October 18, 2005 by David BlackmanI should have written a piece about Full Moon on the Quad for this Tuesday. But I didn't. If you've been following my column, you'll have read my best Full Moon story, and my theories on why Stanford students are unable to have meaningful relationships. Where a Full Moon column would go is too predictable.
However, as a senior, I will have hopefully kissed many freshmen last night -- preferably kissed them with tongue. Freshmen are something I know a great deal about, due to an engagement as the RCC in Rinconada last year. What follows are my recollections and advice (in which I mention Full Moon on the Quad only once), based on a very, very blurry year:
So, you've decided you want to staff in a freshman dorm? You just loved your frosh staff and thought that they helped craft the best year of your life, and you'd be honored to be a part of a house that has the same kind of environment? Very good, you've practiced the speech, RFs will love you.
First, consider why you are actually signing up to be a freshman staffer. Is it because you'd really, really like a single? Acceptable. Is it because you have a porcupine complex or were in a demoralizing codependent relationship that shut you off from all your other friends, and as a result have no one to draw with? Excellent, you're hired! Is it because you regret how you spent your freshman year and are going to creepily and vicariously relive it by molding freshmen in your own image? Perfect! Is it because you can't imagine getting laid except by being in a position of authority over barely-legal teenagers? Well, just don't tell anyone.
You have a number of possible choices. Being an RA is a drag -- if a resident dies from alcohol poisoning, they're responsible. If a water balloon mysteriously sets off a fire alarm, if a couple of skanks from Paly High show up to an unofficial dorm party, they're responsible. They have the thankless task of balancing what to tell the RFs. RFs need to be told just enough to know what's going on, but at the same time need to have a level of plausible deniability about the semi-illegal activities the frosh are participating in. RAs need to magically divine just how many students in a common area constitutes a "gathering" that must be regulated -- a number somewhere between three and 50. At least RAs get paid the most for taking on this liability.
A PHE is just a pre-med nerd who isn't allowed to drink for an entire year. They get paid such an infinitesimal amount that it is not even worth discussing. They give out condoms to the one kid in the dorm brave enough to ask and make dangerous, ill-informed decisions about when kids need to go to the ER. This frightens the hell out of me, but as an RCC, I appreciated them being there to take the fall for medical matters.
HPACs are the kids who think that Stanford has something to do with academics and who believe that red folders, PMs, OCTs, OVs, and PAAs are all going to make the Stanford experience a whoop-de-do fun time of learning and discovery.
RCCs are arguably the most useful staff members (not that I'm biased), but on the whole know nearly nothing about computers. Most people survive their RCC's criminally small amount of knowledge in the only reasonable way -- by calling me. However, a good RCC, regardless of his or her competency, has the most special job -- the job of being subversive. RCCs have the fewest rules -- don't give the frosh alcohol (they can provide their own very well, thank you, and the guidelines say nothing about drinking their alcohol, or drinking yours while they drink theirs) and don't hook up with them. I cannot stress this enough.
There are other staff positions too. FroSoCo will continue adding new staff positions so long as there are residents who are too scared by the rest of Stanford to leave the dorm -- last year they had two Resident Bike Coordinators. Writing Tutors will forever be holding office hours that nobody shows up to and excusing themselves from the dorm the night before IHUM papers are due. Cultural Awareness Associates will ensure that "Boys Don't Cry" will be perennially checked out of Green. Focus Assistants let the University pretend that Lantana residents are really excited about community service, giving quiet Asian economics majors an easy way to lie to get priority. (ResEd claims Toyon is the "Sophomore Priority" Focus House -- by this logic, they should probably have an FA who holds shotgunning workshops).
Any staff member can be subversive, and I encourage you all to do it -- it is your job to explain that Full Moon is a sad, desperate affair for all men involved, with the exception of those who will go on to illustrious careers in our Greek system. Tell the girls, hell, tell the guys too, that frat parties are dumb and that they should concentrate on making real friends with whom they can live sophomore year. Make all the pre-meds reconsider their chosen career paths. Suggest that the CS majors pursue classics degrees. Get all the closet symbolic systems majors in the open. Take your residents to EBF Happy Hours. Openly mock the other staff members. Explain how to get A's in IHUM without doing the reading. Download "The OC" for them. Encourage them to skip class and go to the beach. Introduce them to sophomores who will buy them parking permits, juniors who will sleep with them and seniors who will get them illicit alcohol. Lead them on a steam-tunneling expedition. Pick sides in internal dorm conflicts and stick to them vigorously -- unless you find playing both sides to be more amusing. Tell them all the infinitely-better theme ideas that the philistines on staff shot down.
As a staffer, people will caution you not to lose touch with your friends and not to fall in love with a freshman. These warnings are nice to hear but ultimately useless. If you are committed to the dorm, you will lose touch with most of your friends (except for those staffing in other dorms) and you will forget how to conduct yourself around grown-ups. You shouldn't try to combat this by going MIA in the dorm, because then your residents will hate you (unless you actually are M.I.A., the artist, in which case you should contact KZSU or any of the residents of Kairos to organize a totally awesome concert that will show Stanford what a real house party should be like). You will fall in love with a freshman, just as you'd fall in love with anyone you live with for a year -- it's just that, as a frosh staffer, your fellow residents will idolize you. It's surprisingly attractive. Try not to act on this, though, as it will endanger your job and, more importantly, your hard-won single.
David Blackman is still ambivalent about whether or not staffing in Rinc was the best year of his life, but he definitely thinks that you should listen to KZSU more. Also, that you should date him. Interested? E-mail him at blackmad@stanford.edu.
David Blackman is still ambivalent about whether or not staffing in Rinc was the best year of his life, but he definitely thinks that you should listen to KZSU more. Also, that you should date him. Interested? E-mail him at blackmad@stanford.edu.
